One more time...

Let's try this again. I think I find myself going back to this blog when I'm struggling to process my own emotions. So, here goes.

My mom is in the hospital. Her foot is infected-a diabetic ulcer- and they're trying to keep from having to amputate it. She is currently on the 9th floor.

My aunt Carol is also in the hospital; she is on the 10th floor. She's having heart issues and is retaining fluid like crazy. 

If that's not crazy enough, there's my husband. He hasn't been himself in nearly two months. He's in pain constantly and can barely walk. Thank God we have another treatment scheduled for Dec 1st, but that's not coming quickly enough. His pain and depression have been raging. I try not to let it affect me, but it does on occasion.

Most days I feel trapped in a sea of sadness. I wonder what the purpose of all of this is. Is there some big lesson I should learn? Is there someone to whom I should impart wisdom? Is this even about me, or is this continuing to happen because of Derrick not learning his lesson from all of this? 

I hope and pray for deliverance because most days I feel like I've had all I can handle. 

I'm thinking about writing a book--completely unrelated of course. Something fiction and about some place I'd like my life to be in that it will never make it to--an island or some exotic destination. 

Peace and adieu.

The future

My future has been uncertain since August of 2006. I thought that everything would be set: good man, nice house, new cars, and cute babies. But, let's see...off of that list I have the man and the car. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a point in my life that I should have more to show for it.

It's been a challenge living with family. I hope that the things that I have experienced since this journey began will help me to better prepare for my future. Sometimes I feel like my future is an unanswered question. Maybe thats how it will always be. I feel like I'm driving down a road in the pitch black of midnight with no headlights and no streetlights. I don't know where I'm going, but the best thing I can hope for is that it will be better than where I've been.

I wish I could be one of those people that says "Oh, this has only brought me closer to God," but I can't. I try so very hard to keep my faith firm. But, at my core I am nothing more than a human with a control complex and the need to see things be resolved. I don't doubt. at my core at least, that God has a will and a plan for this; however, I don't ever feel like I get a break. I feel conflicted. The part of me that grew up in church says "Well, as humans we don't deserve anything God gives us. It's his mercy and grace." I truly believe it, but my human, selfish part of me says that why do others (whether they're "good" or "bad") receive a break and I don't?

thought of the day.

Experimentation

We all go through a point where we just want to try something new on for size. See how the shoe fits, for example. This is what I have decided to do by starting my new blog: Saints, Sinners, and Soul Searchers. I think that title describes us all in some way. We are all sinners, some are saints, and most of us are searching our souls for what lies beyond the little things we experience from day to day.

I think if we all thought about it for just a moment, we would agree that the world itself is a lot different than it was when we were growing up. Things have changed; some were for the better and some were for the worse. I hope that through this blog, those who subcribe will see a glimpse of my life as it changes for what I hope will be the better.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Kristymacs